Today at church a man came and talked about his daughter, who committed suicide this past year at 17. Now he goes around the country riding his bike, talking to whoever he meets, telling them that life is worth living.
It got me thinking again, of course. And it dredged up all my pain. AGAIN. Stuff I apparently am still holding back. Repress. Stuff. Withdraw. That is what I do. And why shouldn't I? It seems so much easier than dealing with reality. Reality is that every single one of my friends - which is very hard to come by in the first place - has abandoned me. No one is still around. Erica. Amber. Jason. Reece. Chris. Sarah. Todd. I feel like I have the plague...I'm too needy, clingy, whatever. I feel like everyone has flaws, but for whatever reason, mine are so huge that no one will ever accept me. Another girl was crying tonight, and everyone surrounded her and talked to her and accepted her. But no one can see - perhaps because I stuffed it - how much pain I am in. How much just thinking of those names above, makes me depressed enough to become suicidal because it takes me a year or so to find friends and then I can't keep any of them for more than a couple months. That hurts.
Then again, I know that the more I stuff things, the more numb I become to feeling pain or sadness or happiness at all. The more I hold back, the more quiet I become. And I know if I just let it all go, I'd be a more bubbly and happy and talkative person. But I don't know how else to deal with this pain. I've been dealing with it this way - by repressing, stuffing, and withdrawing - since I was a child. I don't know what else to do.
So my Facebook fast didn't last. However, I have been getting on much less frequently, just once a day. Still, too many hours spent on it and I need to cut back, maybe use a timer so I'm only on for an hour at the most. However, still fasting dating, and secular music, and really haven't started missing either yet. Though I did mess up last week and went out with this guy expressly for the purpose of making out with him. I hate that. I am a total user. I was feeling sad and lonely and undesireable and extremely depressed so I text the one guy who's into me and we made out in my car. I can't believe I'm so lame sometimes. And just 2 days after I had this HUGE spiritual high with God time.
I am so up and down these days. When I'm with God, when I really dig into God, He's cleansing me from all this sin so I feel drained and emotionally exhausted. But at the same time, I feel filled because in those moments I don't care about anything else out in the world. Can't really wrap my mind around feeling drained and filled at the same time, but it's clearly possible. The Holy Spirit is so powerful, and moves me like no other. Last Sunday I wept at the altar - and I have never cried in public. Then that night at Bible study, it was more public crying. Then Wednesday at the college & career service we were all praying for each other at the end. We were praying and everyone else was laughing and giggling at nothing and I joined in because I was just laughing at everyone else laughing, thinking they were all going crazy or just delirious because of the late hour (it was about 9pm). Then my laughter became real and I realized we were all being filled unanimously with the joy of the Holy Spirit, except for a couple of kids in the back who were wondering what was going on. As we continued to pray and giggle, I suddenly was overcome with tears and laughter at the same time. It was the weirdest thing. I've never laughed and cried at the same time, ever. The next thing I knew the laughter was gone and I was weeping and screaming. I don't even know where the screams came from. I tried to hold them in. I was so embarrassed they came out I got into the fetal position and just tried to bury myself in the floor…but there was so much pain that needed to come out. There is still so much pain that needs to come out. I feel like that night only a 3rd of it was released. But never ever ever have I had such a breakthrough where I felt like any of it was gone, at all. I've been in years of bondage to depression and never thought I'd see a glimpse of light. God is working on me and working hard to cleanse…and I feel so different afterwards and I never want to leave, I wish I could be in His presense so intensely forever, because then I wouldn't need anything else. But of course life goes on, and we must return to it. The second I walk out of church I am zapped and loneliness creeps over me again. The spiritual warfare is SO very strong, this battle is so very hard, but I am thankful God lead me to this new church, a charismatic one that believes in the Holy Spirit moving without going crazy about it, or just being dead without that belief altogether like the other churches I've been to.Today I was feeling perfectly fine until I text my friend, who seemed less than interested in having a conversation. I am so desperate for a close friendship. I realized yesterday that more than a boyfriend, I want bffs. I want a couple girls and a couple guys I do everything with. But deep, close relationships seem so impossible to come by…and I think that is why I feel so empty and saddened when I reach out to people and try to develop those relationships and they draw back. If only I hadn't tried to text him, I'd probably still be feeling fine.
Since highschool, I have wanted to tone my body and feel confident in a swimsuit. I graduated in 2000. It is now 2010. I have wanted to teach myself how to play guitar and bought an acoustic one around 2004 and an electric in 2006. It is now 2010. For both of these goals, I have nothing to show but two weeks of effort.
Issues of discipline have not only affected my physical work ethic, but also my spiritual and relational ones. Spiritually, my faith is so dry right now that I find myself often doubting God and too lazy to get into His word to figure it out. I think in the last year I have read my Bible maybe a handful of times outside of Sunday. And relationally, my addiction to Facebook has done nothing for me but cause feelings of discontentment and loneliness to grow which in turn has lead to rejection and alienation as my raw internal emotions spill over for all to see.
The irony is that that which I thought helped me stay connected to people, is actually scaring them away. And I couldn't see that I had a problem until just this week when I was going through my live feed and hiding everyone's happy status updates...you know, the ones that say stuff like "so and so is now in a relationship with so and so" and "so and so is so thankful to God for so and so" and wanting to hide all the ooey gooey mushy happy smiley couple/engagement/wedding photos but still see all the "normal" ones...that Facebook was causing anger, bitterness, sadness, and discontentment about my own singleness.
The fruits of the Spirit are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control. I have none of those. And I want them. I am tired of living with so much hurt, pain, disappointment. I want to find freedom, but I haven't been investing enough time into what it takes to find it. I've been spending too much time online and not enough time with the Holy Spirit. I've certainly tried to control my life, do things my way, but all I've managed to do is a make a mess of it, and I'm at the point where everything is so broken I have no idea how it will ever turn around. I'm depressed, an emotional & financial wreck. Surely turning to God and finally surrendering control of everything and saying "I can't handle this, please take it God," can't turn out any worse than what I have done.
So a couple days ago I decided not to get on Facebook for 6 months. I'm also cutting dating out for now because it's become another distraction and has cost me so much purity. I may also stop listening to secular music and watching chick flicks but I'm not sure I want to go to that extreme yet. I do know that I want to invest more time in God's word, worship music, working out, dancing, guitar, and self-help books. I also want to start seeing a counselor to work on the self-esteem issues that are at the root of my depression.
Hopefully in 6 months I'll emerge a completely new person. Even though this is going to be extremely hard, and I'm sure I'm going to have days of doubt and loss of faith as I fight against the forces of darkness that are trying to gain absolute control of my life, I am positive I will be a much happier person in the end. Not that Facebook, dating, or even secular music are evil. It's just the disproportionate focus on them in my life that is causing problems, and I need to temporarily take a step back for the sake of living in more balance. And who knows, I may feel like leaving them for good by the time June 1, 2010 rolls around. :)
Related Article: 5 Clues That You're Addicted to Facebook (CNN.com)
I have been feeling rather weepy the last couple days. Normally I would attribute such an occurrence to an onslaught of hormonal tendencies, usually conducive to PMS (he he, I wanted to sound really smart. So I wrote that sentence). But that's not the case. I just finished about a week ago so it's not that.
Today I'm just in that "blah, woe is me, I really want a boyfriend, someone who can hold me, right now" mood. I am tired of waiting for it. It has been almost 2 years since my first and only ex thus far. Will be around February 14th, woopty doo. I am tired of those who say just wait, someone will come along. No, I think no one is coming along for me. I am 28!!! Feeling more and more like an ugly old maid everyday. Only I am not ugly. I am a singer, a dancer, and an actress. And I am thin! I don't understand why I'm single. I'm not overly confident, and alot of times I'm shy...but then, who wants to date a snob anyway? Don't really understand what's wrong with me, there are plenty of ugly and fat people who have someone! Not to be mean...but it's true!
Photo Feeling of the Day: Dark. Weepy.
Aggh I'm so hurt right now. The pain is gushing out on the inside, threatening to cascade in a waterfall of tears and I don't have any way to release but to write here where no one even hears. I just wish I had one person to talk to about this…well, besides my parents. Don't get me wrong, I'm so thankful I have parents that care. But…there is something about having a heart-to-heart with a peer who understands you and gets you and cares about you. I still feel like I haven't found that.
I really should've seen this one coming. He's done it before. But you know, I hoped things were different now, because of how close I felt we were on Friday. He asked me, and only me, to go dancing with him tomorrow. I text him to see what time so I could re-arrange some other plans I had for the day, and he goes "it's going to have to wait until next week." No explanation why or anything. And this isn't the first time. Something better always comes up, usually involving a girl, where he has to cancel at the last minute. Case in point - the last time we were supposed to go dancing. And then, being a whole 4 hours late for my birthday party because of some girl he took to dinner…when he knew about my party WEEKS in advance and could've schedule that dinner for any other night. Why I saw myself as anything other than a mere person to hang out with as a last resort for erasing boredom, I don't know.
But it hurts, because people keep doing this, over & over. He's not the first. And they are usually the people I consider to be my closest friends, which is the worst part. I long for the day when I meet someone who actually keeps their word to me no matter what other amazing plans come up. I guess I just need to accept that I'll never be cool enough to be the one that people cancel other plans to hang out with. :/ Not that I would wish this circumstance on anyone.
Photo Feeling of the Day: Death to the party
I may not have a boyfriend, but I have a wonderful guy friend. And that is almost just as good. Heck, maybe it is better. Friends accept you as you are. Friends don't often require you to wear a mask. Friends listen, and seem to sense when something is wrong. Maybe boyfriends do that too, I really don't know. I have only had one. And he was sweet...but it wasn't the same. Or maybe this friend is just something special. I don't even know if he knew what a rotten day I was having Thursday or if it was just because of his own bad yesterday that he sought my comfort, too. But last night at a Christmas party I got hug after hug after hug. He is a hugger, but usually it is one when I say hello, and one when I say goodbye. It may sound silly, but I counted, and we had maybe 11 moments of physical contact. Several hugs, knee pats, and "lean on mes" as I will refer to them, as no "arms around mes" were involved except for a couple seconds here and there. I totally could've cuddled with him, but people were watching, and I am not one for PDA. As it was, the little contact we had was comforting, yet uncomfortable, because of looks people exchanged, and because it was the first time in almost a year of knowing him that we'd ever shared anything more than a brief hug. I am very cautious to keep things on the friend level with him.
I contemplated as the night went on why we are just friends. First of all, I don't think he could ever see me as more than that. But I know that if he could, I definitely could. I have no feelings right now but they could very easily be switched on, I feel them in the back of my head, threatening to come out if I don't watch it. I've always been attracted to him - he is very hot - but he's also sweet, while still being the kinda guy that can take charge and make decisions, something that I've been looking for in other guys and not found, most guys are such wusses. But this one is not. If I let myself, I could fall for him. But I am not going to. He will always just be my big brother. And you know what, I am fine with that. I love him, and I am not going to lose him for the sake of a fling. As long as God will allow it, and as long as my friend wants it too, he will be a sense of comfort. I just need to start preparing myself for the day he finds a girlfriend.
Photo Feeling of the Day: Content. Comforted. Loved.
I really do have great parents. This morning as I was leaving to go to work, I mentioned that I might be going to a White Elephant Christmas party after work. My Mom asked if I had anything to take, and I told her "yeah, I think I'm going to take this DVD that I was going to sell." She and Dad jumped up and said "We might have something else around the house that you can take," and I was like "yeah, that would be cool because it IS supposed to be a funny gift." They proceeded to race around the house looking for junk while I got my lunch together, and five minutes later, Dad pulled out a useless, brand-new mini garbage can, while Mom pulled out a cool Santa Claus gift bag with that white stuffing paper and they threw them both into the bag and handed it to me on my way out the door. The fact that I have parents who care about what I'm going to take to a White Elephant party…that was a good reminder that I do have things to be thankful for. Many parents would've just looked up and said "ok, well, have fun" and kept watching the TV (or checking out Facebook as was the case). But my parents truly desired to see that I had a good time at the party. Maybe cuz they realize how much I want to fit in, be funny, and have friends. You wouldn't think something so insignificant as a White Elephant gift could mean all that, but it does. No one wants to be the person that shows up at the party with the dorky gift that no one wants. Though, who knows if the mini garbage can will be dorky or not, but it's certainly more FUNNY than an uncreative DVD. It's one of those fancy little metal cans with a pedal you step on to make the lid go up, but it's too small to really hold any trash - thus the funny is in the irony, for there's not much else it can do. Maybe someone will use the trash can to hold Christmas candy at a party. Lol.
Anyway, I'm feeling a little better than yesterday. Not necessarily happy, moreso blase, but better. And looking over my old post, I hear it and I say "wa wa wa" even to myself. Life isn't as bad as I make it, but sometimes you still gotta let it out. And if you can understand that, then we can be great friends, virtual world.
Photo Feeling of the Day: Blase, but love is in the background.
I wish I had someone real to talk to about all this. But instead, I am creating yet another blog. I'm not really sure why. I guess, to get out all the stuff I can not say. Yes, this is really just another mask. But the mask protects. No one wants to know the real me. So I continue the facade.
At least this will be some release, some escape from the happy smiley face I must put on every day. All I really want to do is let down the mask and find that there is someone on the other side that accepts the bad and the ugly anyway. Someone who sees the raw and the bloody and doesn't run screaming away. Oh to be held in his arms, if only for a day. Why everyone else must have someone, I shall never understand. I am beautiful, I am sweet. Yet, I am ALONE, always ALONE.
Photo Feeling of the Day: All dressed up with nowhere to go, mask of alone. But hope is somehow still on the horizon.